She can be fondly remembered as one of the top guns who pioneered what is today known as Nigeria’s multimillion-naira wedding industry, long before the advent of social media via her monthly must-read magazine, ‘Wedding Planner.’ Modupe Adeniran in this tell all interview with Ivory Ukonu, opens up about her marriage and how it prompted her to write a book on it and the challenge of divorce some are faced with.
There has been an alarming increase in the number of marriages ending in divorce these days. What do you think is responsible for this?
Contrary to the answer that many would give, which is that many are becoming less tolerant of a cheating spouse or bad vices for example, I’ll say it is because those that are getting out aren’t really speaking their truth. So, what we see are seemingly happy people dancing on social media making it look like once you get out of an unhappy marriage, your life automatically becomes happier, leaving many more people to think that because it worked for A, it would work for B. So, they jump out or threaten to jump out at every given situation that just seems imperfect while ignoring every other implication of making that decision. That you leave a monstrous man or woman doesn’t mean you will be completely happy from day one. You are either going to get a silent treatment that will eat you up emotionally, or you get engaged in an everyday war over one thing or another. This will no doubt be unsettling for at least one party if not both.
With the advent of social media most couples now seek validation from total strangers regarding their marriage. Some are in full support of it, others, not so much. What is your take on this?
I may not be the right person to speak on anything social media because I fail at that. But because we are all different, I’ll say this – just maybe it is a way to get a wide array of opinions from a diverse group of people. Truth is, if you’re in a happy and loving marriage, I think it’s ok to post your beautiful family on special occasions and celebrations on social media. What I have a problem with is, why you constantly feel the need to showcase a perfect picture when you know it’s as imperfect as imperfection can be. But I guess everyone has a right to express themselves as they wish.
Do you belong to the school of thought that believes it isn’t ideal to go public when ending a marriage as has become the norm?
For me, absolutely not. If you are a public figure, you may feel the need to let the world know that you are no longer with the spouse the world knows you with, so you can be addressed differently moving on, but if not, there is absolutely no need, except there is a custody battle and you need the world to rescue you. Outside that, it’s always better to do everything possible to make it relatively peaceful. While I know it’s easier said than done, I shared a lot on that in my new book ‘Before You Say I Don’t’ and gave all the reasons why it is always better to not choose the war path in divorce.
What is the book all about?
It is a three-part book that first helps one take a look at all the possible reasons why one may feel like they are in a bad marriage, then weigh the situation very well and see if one has done everything possible to work on the situation before one can say that it is indeed a bad marriage. And if after reading the first part of ‘Before You Say I Don’t, you still see your marriage as bad, part two gives you an idea of what to expect, so you can compare what comes with ‘the hell I’m getting out of it’ if you decide to, with other decisions you decide on when you come to the realisation of the consequences of getting out. The third part of the book then goes on to help you through what the divorce path may bring while helping you find true healing from inside out. The book is written in a self-reflective way that helps you to really look at how your marriage got to where it is in the first place, how you can quickly begin to salvage the situation should your marriage still matter to you or help you realize what the situation may indeed be, if it is irredeemable. You will most definitely have a well thought through journey that will lead you to begin to work on having a better marriage, and never consider divorce again, or just decide that you can do better opting out of it. The third part of the book is also strong in helping the already divorced who are still having a hard time finding peace or still at war with their ex-spouse. The book will help readers begin a truthfully rewarding healing journey that brings true happiness moving on.
What prompted you to write the book?
I simply looked around and I knew that the issue of divorce needed to be addressed from a totally different angle. Many people talk and possibly write about marriages, but most are saying the same things: submit, respect, honour and love your spouse. Many also speak on the fact that God does not like divorce. With all the talks and preaching we get, it isn’t deterring people from getting out of what they perceive as a bad marriage. So, I wondered, do these people know what is on the other side when they decide to get out? Do they get the true picture of what getting out of a marriage really means or are these decisions based on the outer appearances of the people they see who have gotten divorced and seem happy? Having met with a number of people who have been through divorce, I found out that when I probe deep, many did not know that divorce was going to be an equally painful journey. While on one side, you may be happy to be over with one painful experience, many do not expect nor prepare for the roller coaster experience that comes with getting to the other side because divorce brings out the monster in at least, one divorcing party. So, with my research and personal experience, I thought, why not share, hence the book.
How else do you think marriages can be salvaged beyond just reading your book?
I think almost every married couple need to have a sit down and analyze their journey so far. ‘How are we doing?’ ‘Am I still the same person he/she married?’ ‘How have I changed?’ ‘Is the change working for my spouse or is my spouse just not talking?’ The truth is, most times, many are just not talking to the one person they need to be addressing the issue with their spouse. Many are busy telling friends and family what they do not like while watching things deteriorate in the home. One of the biggest reasons why divorce comes as a shock to one party in the union is because too many things have been swept under the carpet. If your marriage is important to you, don’t assume all is well, set a special time out to talk about your marriage and ask if your partner is happy. Ask! Ask!! Ask!!! Again, I say ask questions and insist on getting truthful answers. The right approach is important to get a good result.
These days most couples who decide to end their marriages hardly ever reconsider, to stay and work things out. At what point do you think a marriage can no longer be salvaged?
Truth is, if one party is no longer interested, no matter how hard the other party tries, it may be a futile effort. Once resentment, hatred or lack of love has set in, one willing party alone may not be able to save a failing marriage, they both have to be wanting to really save their marriage. But I believe that many people who have gone their separate ways need not have gotten there if they knew that getting out doesn’t necessary cut them off completely from the spouse they are running away from. Once kids are involved, it is still a forever relationship and it’s sometimes worse than when you were together.
Most women who desire to get out of their marriages are unable to because of the need to meet some societal standards. How best do you think such women should handle their situation?
Again, women in Nigeria tend not to get a good deal when they opt out of their marriage regardless of their educational background or social standing. Only a minute percentage leave with something tangible.
In most cases, women are the ones quick to call it quits with their marriages. Men on the other hand hardly ever initiate divorce or separation and, in some cases, just take on a new wife.
I beg to disagree with this. I think it happens both ways. Most times, the woman might have felt cheated or abandoned for far too long before deciding that she may not really have a marriage. No happy woman leaves a good man. Also, I can authoritatively tell you that men also just get up and walk out of their marriage with no explanation whatsoever. Most times, they have either found another lover or they simply got tired of putting up with a woman who in their own opinion is not meeting a particular need they consider important. But it sure works both ways.
What is your own story, are you still married?
Let’s just say we went our separate ways without much animosity. While he would say it was a mutual agreement, I may have a different answer. I think ours is a case of two wrong people who see things absolutely differently plus a lot more reasons. Unfortunately, I would not be able to paint a clearer picture. I did try to drop some hints about my marriage in my book.
Why weren’t you intentional about making it work?
For the most part we were together, we were almost strangers.
Do you feel more alive now that you are separated?
Yes, I do and I believe he does too. While I may not miss him as a husband, there are times I would wish we were all together as a family. So yes, we worry about family time for the kids but are together ensuring they understand why daddy and mummy can’t be together and we are both committed to making them top priority and it is working relatively well.
How did your kids, family take the news of your separation?
Every member of my family is very supportive, my kids are very supportive and aren’t clamoring for a comeback as we have a better relationship now than ever.
Are you currently dating, do you plan to give marriage another shot?
Not dating, not searching, not interested. My marriage did not end because it was lacking something in particular, so I do not have a need that needs to be met per say. But they say, never say never right? But I’ll stick with not interested.
It is ironic how things turned out considering that you captured people’s happiest day for about 12 years, via your popular magazine, ‘Wedding Planner’. What happened to it?
I’ll say COVID-19 happened although I was already getting tired even before that. But the effect of COVID-19 on the event industry and the fact that everyone was almost okay selling themselves via their social media handles. So, I didn’t see the need to continue. Besides, I had little or nothing more to give from inside of me.
Do you plan on writing more books, along the same topic?
I do not see myself writing anything more on marriage or divorce as ‘Before You Say I Don’t’ marks the end of my journey in that line. Ironically, the very first issue of wedding planner magazine in 2005 had a cover topic, ‘Before You Say I Do’. So, it is quite a good one to leave all my millions of brides with a book like this. But I will write another book.
What do you currently do?
There’s hardly ever a time I am not doing anything… they may not all be in the eye of the public, but I am constantly working on something. Even during the COVID-19 lockdown when ‘Wedding Planner’ magazine got significantly affected, in a matter of months, I started a honey packaging company (Luscious Honey). I also have a small fashion label that keeps me busy from time to time. My love for simple yet unique styles birthed ‘Lifestyle with Agatha,’ Agatha being my English name. While at that, I continued to plan my transition project and I have been in it for two to three years now. I had to pause it to write the book and close that chapter of my life. Now I am set to unveil a new online magazine this month. It is a wellness and celebration magazine, and I am super excited it.
What do you consider to be your greatest challenge in life?
My greatest challenge would be not having that ‘handholding’ ‘I am with you on this your creative journey.’ Work is my happy place, so yes, that one person who would say to me, go ahead and become, I’ve got you isn’t present. But God has been faithful, super faithful indeed. So, everything I have ever done has been 100% God having my back.
What would you say must have significantly shaped you to be who you are today?
My inborn personality. I was quick to know myself very early in life. So, knowing what I like, what I don’t like and what I stand for, helped shape my journey. As early, as when I was 12/13 years, I had attempted to write a book and the title was ‘Me, Myself and I’. I was probably in Jss 2 or 3 and my lonely boarding school experiences was the reason I started to write that. I knew early in life that I didn’t like crowd and was very protective of my space. So, I wasn’t a careless child, I was very self-aware and did only what I wanted to do without peer pressure. I was also very intentional and purposeful. If it is not good good, you may not find me there. Then again, I was a very curious one too, so you may find me with extreme personalities and wonder how in the world I got there. If it’s different and intriguing, you may find me there, possibly in search of some answers. All these followed me all through my growing up years. So, you will hardly find me regretting something I did because most times, it was a choice and I’m good at dealing with the consequences of my choices, good or bad.
What drives you?
I think I’m driven by questions. I ask a lot of how? Who? What? and once I get confused? Or do not find good enough answers, I go in search of the answers, and I don’t stop until I find a solution. So, the need to provide solutions and answers to questions unanswered, and meet a void is what drives me. The plan is to die empty. And I am comfortable with everyday success. I like the idea of succeeding daily as against waiting for the biggest success yet to be achieved. This is what keeps me going daily. Once I find the tiniest success in a day, I’m good for the day and I can go to bed a happy woman.
How do you let off steam?
When my kids are around, there’s a lot of laughter and it’s never a dull moment. But once they return to school, I focus completely on work, but I give time to watch a movie and listen to music on a daily basis. That is how I let off steam. Plus, although I naturally enjoy my company, I make sure to get a good laugh on a daily from my handful of friends and family. I have five sisters; I make sure to share a good laugh with at least one of them especially my big sister.
With this book, are you now something of a counsellor or an agony aunty of some sort?
I think I have been counseling almost all my life and I wrote that in the book. No, not an agony aunty or counselor per say but, yes, I’ll counsel, only on a one-on-one basis, when I have a perfect picture of any situation presented to me. I am not one to give general counsel because I am absolutely convinced that there are no two situations that are ever exactly the same. I believe I do a very good job of it because I am very good at looking at things objectively. I give very good counsel even if I say so myself.
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